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The following is a mostly complete time line of the facts and events Mr. Snicket has professed to before Publishing The Bad Beginning:

  1. Lemony Snicket was born at Valorous Farms Dairy when his parents stopped for garlic butter. The Dairy was near a “pretty deadly” lake possibly in the suburbs or city in an unknown area. [auto10]

  2. “Lemony Snicket was born in a small town where the inhabitants were suspicious and prone to riot.” [BBbiodata]

  3. Lemony Snicket grew up near the sea. [MMbiodata]

  4. His father was known as Jacob [auto11]

  5. He was taken from the kitchen in his home as a child, somewhere in the area of five years old, and carried by the ankles and facing the ground [auto13]

  6. His two siblings were also taken [auto15]

  7. Kit Snicket and Dewey Denouement say they were four years old when the schism occurred. [PP27,179]

  8. The “takers” came for him through the windows and his brother may or may not have finished his cup of tea [auto18]

  9. He was taken to join the V.F.D in a long black car with tinted windows [auto13, 19]

  10. The V.F.D took children their homes to their organization who displayed “exceptional observational and/or note taking skills”, “…isolate[d] them for long periods of time, at least from people they know…” These children were then sent to various locations all over the world to do tasks they did not necessarily understand until they were considered trustworthy and no one was looking for them anymore [auto39]

  11. Children like Snicket were contacted by the V.F.D in a variety of manners including, but not limited to, waiters uttering strange phrases, librarian’s asking about their mothers, and chests of drawers whispering to them. To confirm their interest in joining the organization, when they heard a noise outside their homes, the children would inquire as to the source of the noise and their parents would answer, if amiable, “nothing” to which the interested children were to reply, “If there’s nothing out there, then what was that noise?” and the V.F.D would proceed to take them from the home by their ankles, and traditionally, tattoo their ankles, though this practice was revised after the schism. [auto189-191]

  12. R and Snicket became friends in an infirmary after the ankles were tattooed [auto28]

  13. He was allowed to return home rarely [auto19]

  14. Lemony Snicket attended public schools and had private tutors. [Aabiodata]

  15. Lemony Snicket met Beatrice when he was 11, they had both arrived early for a class and he embarrassed her in front of her friends by telling her he thought arriving early was the mark of a noble person. He later sent her a note apologizing and inviting her out for root beer floats should she like to speak with him. [BL LS to BB#1,LS to BB#5]

  16. Beatrice evidently met him for root beer floats as he wrote her a letter during his code class sometime later in a Year of the Snake (mostly likely 1977). The class was also being taken by Olaf who was already a bully. Beatrice and R were in the room above in a theatrics class. To pass their letters, R was sometimes used as an intermediary. By the time of the second letter to Beatrice, Lemony Snicket was already very fond of her, admitting, “...I enjoy being together with you, and I miss you when we are not.” [BL LS to BB #2]

  17. Beatrice was good friends with Jerome Squalor and they went hiking up Mount Fraught with friends about 20 years before the events of The Ersatz Elevator. This may be the same trip Lemony Snickets mentions in his second letter to Beatrice. [EE26-7]

  18. Beatrice always said that Jerome was not brave. [EE257]

  19. The next letter to Beatrice was written on April 27 at some point in Lemony Snicket's life after he had turned 18 as two weeks after the letter he is planning to purpose to Beatrice, something he probably would not have done before being 18. Also, he mentions a conversation with the headmaster, probably of the V.F.D. school, about pursuing rhetoric by writing at a newspaper, presumably this would have taken place after he graduated from the school. At this point Lemony Snicket has a job at The Daily Punctilio as an assistant obituary spell checker, but, the Duchess of Winnipeg died and that somehow meant a reshuffling of staff members and Lemony correctly guessed he would be moved to theater critiques. Beatrice was preforming on stage and evidently trouble was readily apparent in their lives as they had to arrange meetings secretly through such methods as Beatrice not acknowledging him in the audience but dropping a hat pin if it would be safe for a midnight root beer float date. Beatrice wrote him sonnets. [BL LS to BB#3]

  20. It is unclear when Olaf began his life of crime or when it was discovered by other members of the V.F.D. But at one point during her life Beatrice once told Count Olaf he would fail. [PP303]

  21. At some point Olaf was Esmé's acting teacher. [EE186]

  22. By May 11th the same year he wrote to Beatrice about his job at the newspaper, Lemony intended to purpose when they next met. She was collecting evidence for the V.F.D. while touring as an actress. Lemony wrote her sonnets as well. [BL LS to BB#4]

  23. Sometime after letter #4, a few weeks after, but before letter #5, Lemony Snicket purposed at closing time at the root beer float place and Beatrice accepted.

  24. Lemony Snicket wrote a letter to Professor Patton of the Folk Song Department at Sciabin University for Musical Accuracy about the song sung about him while he was making preparations to be married.

  25. Lemony Snicket received a coded message from a Vineyard where he and Beatrice were to be married warning him that if they were married there the Count would kill them. [auto84-85]

  26. Lemony Snicket was fired from his job after giving a bad review of play called “One Last Warning To Those Who Try to Stand in My Way” by Al Funcoot and criticizing the lead actress, Esm‏é [auto81].

  27. His column was replaced by one written about secret organizations by Geraldine Julienne. She exposed at least one headquarters of the V.F.D. and seems to have also implicated him the less noble side of the schism as he became a fugitive after the article was written. [auto 3, 38, 80]

  28. Following his article about “One Last Warning To Those Who Try to Stand in My Way”, his brother Jacques sent him disguises and instructions for fleeing the country in order for Lemony to escape harm to both himself and his associates (such as D, K, and B), who he was instructed not to contact [auto96-97]

  29. Lemony Snicket was fled at least in part by disguising himself as a sailor on a ship called The Prospero [auto95,109]

  30. At some point, Beatrice wrote Lemony a 200 page book explaining in detail that she could not marry him and sent back the ring he purposed with. [BL LS to BB#5]

  31. The book and ring were delivered at night by a flock of carrier pigeons and Lemony stayed up reading over and over in misery. [MM7]

  32. I myself fell in love with a wonderful woman who was charming and intelligent and I trusted that she would be my bride, but I had no way of knowing for sure, and all too soon circumstances changed and she ended up marrying someone else, all because she believed something she read in The Daily Punctilio.” [VV74]

  33. Captain Widdershins may have had something to do with Beatrice believing the story in the paper, as Lemony Snicket says the Captain was wrong to insist that the an article in The Daily Punctilio was completely true and to show it the woman Lemony loved. [GG310]

  34. It seems that at some point in between letters #4 and #5, Beatrice became involved with Betrand Baudelaire, but it's not clear when exactly they met, or what Beatrice believed or when exactly she decided to reject Lemony or why.

  35. Lemony Snicket returns a lock of Beatrice's hair when he answers her 200 page book. He also expounds at length for how long and under what circumstances he will love her, ultimately pledging to love her forever no matter what. “That, Beatrice, is how I will love you even as the world goes on its wicked way.” “But in my case, the only thing that made sense in the world was you, and without you the world will seem as garbled and tragic as a malfunctioning typewriter.” He also says he does not know when they will see each other again. [BL LS to BB#5]

  36. Page thirteen of the Snicket File has a picture of the Baudelaire parents, Jacques, and a man who is very likely Lemony Snicket standing together. While it is unclear when this picture was taken, but the Beatrice and Bertrand were not yet wearing their wedding rings. [HH108]

  37. At some point Jacques and Lemony Snicket stayed in the guest caravan of Madam Lulu's Carnival long before the events of The Carnivorous Carnival. It would seem plausable that this happened after Lemony was no longer working for The Daily Punctilio as before that he does not seem to have traveled much.

  38. Kit Snicket wrote to Gregor Anwhistle and begged him not to cultivate theMedusiod Mycelium, even as a weapon against the treacherous side of the Schism. [GG161]

  39. Lemony Snicket recalls Beatrice thus: “I can see her now, sitting there on a small couch she used to keep in the corner of her bedroom, adjusting the straps of her sandals with one hand and munching on an apple with the other, telling me not to worry about the party beginning downstairs.” She refers to him as “Mr. Snicket” when she tells him that people like to talk about themselves so if he does not know what to say to the guests, he should just ask them about their work or code preferences. It's not clear when this took place, but her formal way of referring to him may have been as sign that it was after they broke off the engagement, or perhaps she always called him that or was joking. [TE38]

  40. Olaf locked Ishmael in a large birdcage once, and told him he would triumph. Ichmael believed that Olaf set fire to his home, but Olaf denies this. [250, 253-534]

  41. Ishmael was a member of the V.F.D. on the noble side of the schism and a pacifist but was in a bathyscaphe that was destroyed because Lemony Snicket misinterpreted some sausages that a waiter was arranging. This is likely the reason he ended up shipwrecked on the Island. [PP266, TE218]

  42. Beatrice and Bertrand washed ashore on the coastal shelf of the Island and became it's facilitators a few months before Ishmael washed up. They started the Library under the apple tree, a water filtration system to procure fresh water, had a periscope installed in the tree to look for storms, and began a tunnel to Anwhistle Aquatics. [TE 219]

  43. When Beatrice was pregnant with Violet, the Baudelaires hybridized the apple tree with horseradish as a precaution against Medsciod Mycelium but were ultimately forced off the island because some of the castaways preferred to keep the Island isolated from the troubles of the world. The castaways were going to use violence but Ishmael convinced them to just abandon the Baudelaires on the coastal shelf in time for the annual flooding. [TE 221-22]

  44. Beatrice says that she is heartbroken to leave the island, but she has been heartbroken before. Probably a reference to her romance with Lemony. [TH:14,1]

  45. Lemony Snicket's final message to Beatrice was a telegram he sent in the late summer of when she was pregnant with Violet. He comments that he has not contacted her for several years and wishes her a healthy child, but his main purpose is to warn her of something. [BL LS to BB#6]

  46. both Jacques then Lemony served aboard the Queequeg after Fiona's mother died. [GG43]

  47. Kit Snicket passed the Baudelaire parents a box of poison darts during the intermission of a performance of the opera La Forza del Destino while avoiding detection by Esmé. This happened when the elder Baudelaire children were old enough to remember. [PP8-9]

  48. Lemony Snicket left an opera before he could be spotted by an actress. It was most likely La Forza del Destino, the same night the Baudelaire parents attended and he was likely avoiding Esmé. He wondered if life was guided by destiny or something even more mysterious, dangerous, and unfortunate. [PP18]

  49. Olaf believe the Baudelaire parents did something treacherous with some poison darts at a night at the opera, and, that is the weapon that left him an orphan. [PP 211, 308]

  50. One day when Sunny was only a few weeks old, the whole family went to the financial district. It was very hot and while Beatrice went inside one of the buildings, Bertrand stayed with the kids by a fountain. Sunny was hot and cranky so he dipped her in the fountain and soon the whole family, even Beatrice when she came out, ended up splashing in the fountain. Not far from them, a woman posing as a pretzel vendor took a picture of the family and put it in the coat pocket of a financial expert. It was taken out again by a coat check boy when the man went to dinner. The coat check boy hid it in a parfait glass full of fruit that was supposed to be given to a certain playwright for desert. However, a waitress dumped it in an alley garbage can. Lemony Snicket was in the alley pretending to look for a lost puppy who was actually a woman in disguise. [TE107-108]

  51. Inside the financial building, Beatrice was given a weather report and a naval map which she examined later and discovered coming treachery. [TE 107]

  52. Beatrice Baudelaire and Bertrand Baudelaire died in their home when it was burned to the ground while their children were at Briny Beach. [BB8-9]

  53. “I am alone this evening, and I alone because of a cruel twist in fate, a phrase that here means that nothing has happened the way I thought it would. Once I was a content man, with a comfortable home, a successful career, a person I loved very much, and an extremely reliable typewriter, but all of those things have been taken away from me, and now the only trace I have of those happy days is the tattoo my left ankle. As I sit here in this very tiny room, printing these words with this very large pencil, I feel as if my whole life has been nothing but a dismal play, presented just for someone else's amusement and that the playwright who invented my cruel twist of fate is somewhere far above me, laughing and laughing at his creation.” [HH213-214]

     

    (Two important events in Lemony Snicket's life that are nearly impossible to place are a certain masque ball and the theft of the sugar bowl. The only thing that is known for certain is that they took place before the fire that killed the Baudelaire parents because Beatrice is involved in both of them:)
  54. Beatrice had tea with Esmé on a Thursday and Lemony Sniket would hop if he would go back and prevent it. This is possibly because the tea date was when Esmé thought Beatrice stole her sugar bowl. However, Lemony states that he still feels very guilty for stealing the sugar bowl. It is unclear if Beatrice and Lemony were working together to obtain the sugar bowl or if Beatrice was not involved, but Esmé never learned that Lemony was the one who took it. [HH33, HH91,PP221]

  55. Lemony Snicket was dressed as a bull fighter at a masked ball held by the Duchess of Winnipeg, his friend R. He ran from palace guards that were dressed as scorpions and on the veranda told Beatrice (dressed as a dragonfly) something about Count Olaf that he had waited 15 years to say but could not bring himself to repeat while writing The Austere Academy. The police did not confiscate his belongings later and the Duchess kept them until her house was destroyed by fire. The things he left at the time of his capture were: the bullfighting costume, a typewriter, a box of wigs, a suit that disguised him as a chest of drawers, a fake wooden leg, and a blue accordion. [AA167-8, Auto25-26]

  56. From a list of rejected openings to The Series of Unfortunate Events: “Once upon a time, after a confusing if exciting childhood, I met a woman, fell in love, and was never happy again.” [auto177]